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May 24 A Song For Buddha's Birthday (May 24th, 2007)Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, Your belief system is empty And you're full of crap too. I think I did alright to avoid the fat jokes, no? Woodland Bear. May 21 I'm getting old...I seriously have worries about my ageing now - I just stretched and clicked about eight times. Other than that, not much news. This whole blog thing seems to be circling the drain, but I'm keeping the tap on for now, so to speak, hoping they'll still be something left should anything ever return. Maybe I'll be famous someday and they'll track this down and be really unimpressed. Do I care? No. I like writing, it keeps me contented. Talking of that, I'm working on an article at the moment for Nottingham's student uni magazine - interviewing a band called The Ponys. Haven't heard of them? Neither had I, but they're quite good, it turns out, and I got to go see them live for free last night. It's only a small band in what appears to be a small magazine, but bear in mind recent interviews have included Get Cape Wear Cape Fly and none other than Arcade-bleeding-Fire! I love Arcade Fire like a puppy loves its love. Got a busy summer lined up, so hopefully you won't see me so much that you get tired of me. That said, for some, one day with me will do that. Meh, I'm tired of them too. Either way - I'm home around 14th June. Off around 19th June for Glasto. Home again 22nd, 23rd, or something. Off to Ireland on the 29th, and back on the 14th July. Maybe off to Paris from the 18th to the 20th. Then around til early August, when I'll be running back up to Nottingham. So, if you want to hang out with me, I am around: June 14th-18th June 23rd/24th-28th July 15th-17th July 21st-August 4th/5th (Maybe even as late as the 7th if I'm lucky, but I plan on spending a week doing the kids stuff with Hanini, if the invite still stands.) Woodland Out. May 13 Contesting the EurovisionI'd love to enjoy the Eurovision for its music, and the close competition, and not just the fact that Terry Wogan is a minor deity whenever a transvestite walks on stage and he demonstrates both lightning wit and old man cynicism at once. But that's all we've got, really, isn't it? Good music? Not since Abba, as far as I'm concerned. Well, at least not winning. Estonia had a fantastic entry in 2003, '80s Coming Back'. It's still on my mp3 player four years later. 21st, overall, apparently. I don't think the Europeans can handle good music. That said, we had Scooch this year, and we voted them in. I'm seriously considering starting one of those petitions you can make on the government's website asking for Robbie Williams or Elton John to be forced to perform next year. That, or Chico, who knowing the state of England's pop scene today is a far more likely candidate. Oh dear. Woodland Bear. May 11 King Of All EssaysYeah, so, it turns out I'm kind of awesome. Yesterday - me, my laptop and six or seven books on various aspects of the Middle East, Islam and women within the context of both. One essay, three thousand words, due in about 7 hours after I started it. I kicked it's ass like a stern donkey father kicks his son. I wrote it, inbetween lunch, going to get a newspaper, and various website visits, in four hours. At my peak I wrote over 1000 words in one hour. That's admittedly only 16/17 words a minute, but I was never Mavis Beacon's biggest fan. Still, in essay context that's mildly impressive - and a good sign for my dissertation come year three. I reckon if I bring up my words per minute to twenty, I could knock that thing out in a day or so! Still, best not get cocky, ay? I don't know what mark I got yet... Woodland Bear. May 09 A Busy Weekend DefinedWith two family birthdays, one of which an 18th, I headed home this weekend. Twas an interesting time. On my first train down I sat opposite an incredibly eccentric Lutheran monk from Florida, and had a little chat. He suggested I become a monk. I politely declined. He continued to say 'Maybe someday though...' I spent most of the rest of the journey catching up with my mp3 player, whom I have been ignoring for a while now. I only ever use the shuffle function on long journeys - if I skip more than two in every ten tracks then I know I just have music for the sake of having music, and not for the love of it. How sad is that? Had dinner out on the Saturday for my mum's birthday. We went to a pub and ended up sitting outside, slowly succumbing to frostbite. Still, I got to hear my parent's stories about their recent trip to Amsterdam - my dad was flashed by lesbians, they went during a party weekend and were pretty much the only people over 30 there, and they smelt more cannibis than someone who smells a lot of cannabis. Sunday was a family gathering for my sister's 18th. It's not often I see both sets of grandparents in the same room at once, and it's always fun to see how awkward they find it. I don't know why, in many ways they're quite similar. All four of them are old. That's a similarity. They all like various foods I wouldn't touch with a barge pole, and they all look slightly like prunes. Not the wrinkly bit. They're just all a deep shade of purple. For Claire's actual birthday we took her to meet two of McFly in HMV Canterbury. She did, and she emerged with Becky both looked like eight year-olds who had just met, well, two of McFly. Harry and Danny, since you ask. I saw them, through a window, and pitied both. Having to meet 500 overly excited girls that early in the morning can not be fun. All of them were far too young to be hot, too. In the evening she went to see Wicked! with some friends in a crowd that was probably almost entirely middle-aged gay men. Now I'm back in Nottingham (again), trying (but failing) to start a three thousand word essay due tomorrow. Last night I watched Casino Royale with some friends, and drank a couple of glasses of what I reckon is 13% alcohol cider. Seriously, it was like apple wine. Twas nice. Woodland Bear. May 04 Coming Around AgainI've had a rather busy week, for me. Had an essay due which I did relatively slowly including preperation, but wrote in record time. I increased my words per hour from 500 to 800, and spent far too long celebrating that. And tomorrow I'm heading home for my mum and sister's birthdays! How exciting! Woodland Bear. April 24 A Poem About The BumblebeeSorry Mr. Bumblebee I haven't got no monies With which I can pay you For you effervescent honeys Don't worry Mr. Bumblebee All hope is not lost Maybe I could set you up With my mate Missy Wasp. Woodland Bear. April 21 England's ShedI was just, and indeed still am, online and noticed that in our so-called 'Computer Room' (or 'study' to you educated folk) there is a travel brochure for Northumbria. Now, without worrying too much why there is a brochure for England's dodgiest pot house in my home, one thing did strike me about said brochure. It's tagline simply described Northumbria as 'England's North East'. I've gotta say, that's hardly the most inspiring description of a county. It's true, yes. But I'm not suddenly in awe of this hotspot of British tourism.
I suppose the best role is taken - Kent is 'England's Garden'. Northumbria can't claim to be 'England's Concreted-Over Backyard' either, surely Birmingham gets that honour? 'England's Living Room' must be Sussex and 'England's Attic' goes to Cumbria, by my books. What about some of the less delightful or imaginative roles? 'England's Toilet' - must go to Merseyside. 'England's Potting Shed'? Certainly a role for Devon. Cornwall has to be 'England's Conservatory' and 'England's Sewage Tank-Buried-Under-The-Backyard' must be Yorkshire. Maybe. Thing is, this doesn't leave much for Northumbria - a place that's not utterly shite, to use their own language, just lacking in anything of interest. So, I suppose 'England's North East' is all they've got. Accurate, though.
Woodland Bear. April 15 Bleugh.Something tells me I have incorrectly spelt 'bleugh'. Which frustrates me, for I take great pleasure in correct spelling. Tis true. I will, as many have found out before, kick the face in of anyone who spells two words as one. It's not alot, you bungling troglodyte, it is 'a lot'. Grr. Things like that stress me out. That said, I've been sofa-stricken these last few days (it's like bed-stricken, but with Sky+) by some icky virus, and so have found everything frustrating. I'm like that when I'm ill - I find even the smallest things unforgivably annoying. Adverts, for instance. There is no way of expressing just how pissed off I will be if I have to listen one more time to Promiscuous Black Woman slurring out Boom-Chicka-Wah-Wah whilst inexcusably thrusting her hips at Innocent Fruit Stocker. Or if I have to watch Painfully Crap Hugh Grant Desperado call his answerphone and reveal a deep-set hatred for his In-Laws. I have to mute both of those adverts, lest I force my hand into the faces of the actors involved. I'm not saying they don't deserve a punch, I'm just saying I'd be so excitably willing to do it I'd end up doing it right there in the living room, resulting in numerous pieces of glass in my hands and two parents wondering why I smashed in a perfectly good tv. "Because I'm ill." I would say. And I am. It's a perfectly valid excuse for all number of rage-based crimes, I reckon.
Woodland Bear. April 09 Maybe I Should Get Out The House A Bit More Now...Hard to believe, but I've been writing here for two years now. Whether this means today is the Forest Hollow's birthday or anniversary I'm not sure, but I know it's a worrying thing that I've actually had something to say for the last 730 days. Not necessarily surprising, but worrrying nonetheless. Two years down the line and I've done okay for myself: I've been to more gigs than I can shake a large stick at (though I don't condone ever waving large sticks at gigs, they tend to be rather crowded places), holidayed in some great places and goe out into the (higher education) world to make a name for myself. I chose to keep it as Stephen. So yeah, I'm older, my MSN Space is older but such is life, and I wouldn't change a thing. So here's to:
'Two More Years' by Bloc Party. Woodland Bear - 50,132 views so far... April 08 Sunday Is Smoothie Day! IIWhy hullo once again, and a happy clappy easter to you all! I hope the easter bunny bought you lots of chocolatey goodness and that you haven't forgotten that they wouldn't even make foot-long chocolate eggs were it not for the fact that Jesus Christ not only died but then was resurrected! That said, I'll leave the theology to you guys and focus on what I REALLY specialise in: smoothies! I've made Sunday the official Smoothie Day earlier than expected today, unable to leave it til September. I've just finished creating a fantastic smoothie that was inspired by a Twister lollipop I had down in Goring on Friday. Below is the recipe:
Pineapple, Strawberry & Lemon
Ingredients:
2 1/2 apples (or a small glass of Copella Apple Juice)
7 Strawberries
1/2 pineapple
1/2 banana
1/2 lemon
Equipment:
Blender/smoothie maker
Citrus juicer
Juice the apples. Peel and core the pineapple, and put half aside for nibbling. Chop the fleshy part of the other half into chunks. Juice the lemon and chop half a banana into chunks. Chuck the strawberries, half banana, lemon juice, pineapple chunks and apple juice into the blender and go crazy. Blend til smooth for 2 generous servings.
Using my maths skills I worked out that this should cost £2.31, giving around £1.15 in costs per serving. You'll have to buy everything in wholes though, as you very rarely find half a banana on sale. But this really is one of the nicest smoothies I've ever had, so it's worth a try. Enjoy!
Woodland Bear. April 07 Historically-Inaccurate Places Of InterestI'm incredibly fortunate in where I have been able to travel in my short lifetime, and can list places as diverse as Durham and Dorset, Bogner Regis and Lyme Regis in my travels. And yet despite my extensive travellings (once I went to the Lake District) there are hundreds of places I would still love to visit in my time remaining on thise planet. I've whittled my list down to a succinct five, complete with an entirely guessed historical background to each. Enjoy.
Machu Picchu
One of the most recognized Inca sites on the planet, Walt Disney first opened Machu Picchu in 1949 as an amusement park for local tribesmen. After bad market research failed to reveal that most of the tribesman, alongside having retracted all signs of their penises back into their body had no understanding of currency, and were willing only to pay for entry using pig hearts and llama rugs, the park was closed down without a single patron ever being admitted. Today the stunning ruins remain perched atop Mount Mickey, and have become a staple for travellers worldwide. Six years after the Disney's failed attempt in Peru he opened his park in Anaheim, California. With Americans far more aware of money than tribesmen in the mountains of Peru, Disneyland California recuperated all lost costs from his first venture.
The Great Wall Of China
Originally built by Gordon Jones in order to keep the neighbour's cat out of his back garden, the Great Wall of China grew significantly after the cat died and was replaced by an army of mongrels. The theory was that rabid and dirty dogs would generally struggle to jump over a large wall. These days the wall is used mostly for drag races of every variety - both those in cars and those where men in women's clothing run very quickly with the aim of being first to the finish line.
Las Vegas
An ancient neon structure first built the Native Americans to service their well-publicised gambling addictions, it is a little known fact that many of the world's most famous landmarks are simply replicas of originals in Las Vegas. For instance, the Eiffel Tower is simply a larger replica of a similar tower at the Paris Hotel, and the Statue of Liberty is based on a similar statue at the New York New York Hotel. True story.
The Terracotta Army
Once used as props on the original series of Doctor Who, the terracotta army is an eight-thousand-strong collection of pottery made by the old man who fixes Woody in Toy Story 2. In the episode 'Flowerpot Men' Doctor Who struggles against an evil flower-like alien called Weed Shi Huangdi and his 'flowerpot army' who attempt to take over ancient China. Not to ruin it for you, but in the end the Doctor wins. Go him.
Hollywood
'Jersey Girl', 'Epic Movie' and 'Zathura: A Space Adventure'. These are but a few of the classic films to have come out of Hollywood in the last few years. What makes Hollywood so worth a visit? How about Mann's Chinese Theater, which since 1927 has been re-enacting your favourite movies using purely Chinese casts. Sure, they're great at Casablanca, but it's when they do their versions of the early Jackie Chan films that they really shine...
Woodland Bear. April 05 Old Habits...I've just seen the first full length trailer for Die Hard 4.0, and I'm worried, to say the least. Those who know me know that I am more passionate about Die Hard than anything else bar smoothies, music and the Guy in the Sky. It is my humble opinion that there has been no film made that is greater than the first Die Hard, and no very few greater than the next two. The fourth installment though, I'm not so sure about. The trailer seemed, well, epic. But epic is not always good. Think Colin Farrell in Alexander. Think Leo DiCaprio in Titanic. Think Orlando Bloom in anything where he wears a skirt. Die Hard 4.0 seems to be making every effort to be good. As far as I can tell it involves more explosions than every action film ever to exist. Put together. This film could be awesome, explosive and better than any action movie in the last ten years. Or it could be 2007's Snakes On A Plane, but without the knowing fun of it. Either way, the anticipation is growing in me like it has for no film before.
Woodland Bear. April 02 To Answer Your QuestionsWhilst NME convinced me for a while that Muse would be playing a gig in space April Fools ultimately struck only once, my fears were not realised and I've now had my confirmation come through to say Frances and I will be going to Glastonbury come July! So excited am I now that I won't be saying much more today, other than to answer a few of my many loyal reader's questions. In short:
Yes, but only on Tuesdays.
Wouldn't that lead to hair loss?
Two carrots and lemon juice, blended together for three minutes.
No, seriously, it's not mine.
Only once, but the scar will never leave me.
Every five minutes, without fail.
Seepage.
Woodland Bear. April 01 Sunday Is Smoothie Day!I've made an important decision regarding me and my living situation next year at uni. Sunday shall be Smoothie Day. I'm not sure if Ryu and Jeremy will be all up for this lifestyle choice, but I'm sure they can admit there are far worse lifestyles I could go for. Suicide bomber, perhaps. Or any kind of homocidal maniac for that matter. But yes, Sunday shall be Smoothie Day. Why shall Sunday win the honour that is Smoothie Day? Well, today is a Sunday, and I have made my first ever smoothie this afternoon, following a recipe from my Innocent Smoothie recipe book, then adding a whole extra orange after it turned out so bananaly I almost felt yellow. But now I sit here drinking my Orange, Pineapple, Banana and Orange smoothie thinking that 'Sunday should be Smoothie Day!' I figure next year I'll go to church Sunday morning, bring back fruit from the market (and by that I mean either the imaginary Victorian Market that I'm preteneding is held daily outside town hall or the real market that comes in the form of a Co-Op) and spend the afternoon concocting various smooth-fruit-beverages.
Also in the news: My sister fell for an April Fools prank today (shh) where Sky News told her it was National Ginger Day. My sister being worryingly obsessed with those of the ginger variety very much enjoyed this news until someone suggested the possible lack of credibility to the story. I may or may not be going to Glastonbury with Frances - I managed after two hours to find a pair with travel from Brighton. Whilst there is no logical reason why the transaction would not have worked or why I wouldn't get a ticket, I can't help but remember I ordered these before twelve noon on April Fools Day. Does the Eavis family have it in them to call me up at five this evening to say 'HAHAHA! You thought you were going to Glastonbury! You twat.' Methinks: yes. I'm listening to Stephen Merchant's 6Music show right now, smoothie in hand, with very much going on with me either physically or mentally. Emotionally I'm quite happy, listening to a wonderful sung that sounds not unlike if Lily Allen formed a soapbox-derby country band with some hillbilly friends, including a strange alternate-universe Pete Doherty chewing hay. Just finished is a song by Sonny Jim called 'Can't Stop Moving'. I'm writing that down here because it's so good I want to buy it, but with it's release in mid-May I'm hoping I'll remember it's existence at the time and be able to check back here to remind myself of the name. Aren't I smart? The Hillbilly-Allen song is by a band called 6 Day Riot. And though they are fantastic, they're playing Nottingham on my sister's birthday for which my family are extracting me home to rural Sussex. It hurts. It physically hurts. Well, to quote my old man Jeremy Clarkson - on that bombshell it's time to go!
Woodland Bear. March 31 Unsigned Bands I'm Shamelessly Advertising Before They're HugeI quite enjoy my music, and being the overly competitive fellowe that I am I like to get in early on the next big thing, often getting slightly bored of them before other folk even give in to liking them (Mika, Arctic Monkeys). Shameless as I am, I like to flaunt the fact that I know the bands early. And so this is me flaunting new and unsigned bands. I know it sounds arrogant to suggest I know more than anyone else on this subject, but I don't. I just like these bands, and want you to like them to!
Intervurt
Actually, Intervurt are the reason for this, I'm lucky enough to be seeing them for free tonight in London. In short, this band has incredible raw power in their music and mix Muse's less-operatic moments with songs reminiscent of Radiohead's 'The Bends' era. I've mentioned them numerous times before and tonight is their first gig since recording their debut album in New York earlier this year. Last summer they supported The Strokes and Raconteurs (albeit low down the list). Though my favourite song 'Icicle' has long disappeared into their archives they couldn't be doing much better musically right now, and I myself can't wait to see them.
Th' Great Outdoors
Another great band, who played Guilfest last year alongside Intervurt, th' Great Outdoors are only a quarter as pretensious as their shortened article. Different from any other band around right now, their sound is best decribed as Sufjan Stevens sung by The Flaming Lips. Phil Jupitus has played them on his Radio 6Music programme, and I can see why - they're better than most music around today. Bar, of course, McFly.
Videosprint
And finally, these guys - who having recently supported Noisettes couldn't be on any more of a roll right now if they tried. Big things are coming up for Videosprint, I swear. Though their bassist reminds me of an Arctic Monkey, it isn't necessarily a bad thing to look like a band worse than you - it can only lead to the severe beating of expectations.
Woodland Bear. March 30 On Various Ten Year-OldsTonight - further television viewing for Stephen, this time watching Channel Five's tenth birthday celebrations, a couple of programmes about - you guessed it - ten year-olds. The first show had Gordon Brown facing various questions from ten-year olds and, although I hate the party/policies I've gotta say old Brownie came out better for it - seemed thoroughly nice, actually. Good on him!
Just finished watching 'The Ten Demandments', where a fat kid takes control of her family. It annoyed me, not just because this kid was exceptionally chubby (I should know I have a history in flumpiness, and she was a flabby barrel) but because her father was so rubbish with her - talking on the phone to a mate whilst on a walk with her.
Now my dad's showing me something about rich people - this mother is terrible. From the show:
Interviewer: What about Blu?
Woman: Blue? The colour? What about blue? What's blue?
Interviewer: Your child.
Woman: OH! The baybee!
Woman: (After holding baby for one minute) Okay Linlin, you take her now. I can't be having any of that...
Woman: If I didn't have Linlin I think... I think I'd die. I'd die... Well. No, I'd get another.
Woodland Bear. March 29 Thoughts Whilst Watching The BBCThis 'Any Dream Will Do' show looks dreadful. Bet my mum watches it and falls in love with one of the contestants. Graham Norton seems a really nice guy. What worries me is how similar we are. And he tries to be gay. Elton John is old - 60. There are older people in the world, sure, but not many. Dolly Parton is, but she has her own theme park, so it's allowed. It's called Dollywood, no kidding.
David Tennant is a hero. He saved the world in... MY GOD HE'S SUDDENLY SCOTTISH! I mean, I knew he was Scottish (I think) but how gosh darn Scottish is he? Very, apparently. My sister just ridded herself of a spider in her room for the first time! I'm so proud... they grow up so fast! Wow - the Tardis can be flatpacked! My dad's been in a real dalek, you know. My grandmother used to be a tealady on the original Doctor Who set. A few years ago we found an ORIGINAL SCRIPT in her house. We'd have eBayed it, had my uncles and father not Spirographed all over the back of it. It was swirly but priceless.
Lonely Hearts Ads, is there anything more pitiful? Yes - men with beards but no hair, people who like anime, anyone who owns a poodle and - of course - people who respond to Lonely Hearts Ads.
Graham Norton just kidnapped someone using a forklift truck and a tardis. David Tennant drives a Skoda. Who's cooler now, huh? By the way, my laptop is fixed! Turns out, actually, I had overloaded the memory! So, there you go. You know what pisses me off? The Proclaimers. I can handle 'I'm On My Way', though purely in the context of Shrek, but their rerelease of '500 Miles' is shameless. I blame Peter Kay.
For everything.
Woodland Bear. March 28 Village LifeA strange inbred-looking fellow just walked past our house with an empty wheelbarrow. He seemed to be concentrating intensely on not losing the ever-precious balance that is intrinsic to travelling with a one-wheeled barrow such as his. It is worrying that in Wesy Hoathly that'll usually be the most exciting thing to happen in a day. I might be pushing my luck, but I'm watching out the window for something more exciting. For example, a few minutes ago a car pulled up next to our house. Scraping for interest I hoped it was a visitor - why else would anyone want to park next to our house? It was our neighbour. There's a kid cycling back and forth down the road at the moment - much like my sister and I used to on pleasant days not unlike this. I'm wishin' and hopin' he'll provide me a little bit of entertainment, his shoelace is undone and we all know what havoc that could cause! Oh my, isn't this dull? How did I ever manage to find anything to write about living here? If it were not for friends with cars my mind might melt. Even tonight at church we're just watching a film. A FILM! I could do that in my bedroom! I DO do that in my bedroom! Alas, what with all the mess it's about all I can do in my bedroom, apart from sleep. Oh well, more adventure soon, I can sense it! AND! My laptop has apparently been fixed! No idea what was wrong with it, but hopefully I'll collect it tomorrow and know then! This really brings me no end of satisfaction...
Woodland Bear. March 26 Time WastingIt's all very easy backwhen it comes to avoiding boredom in Nottingham. Let's face it, you're twenty minutes from city centre and even if you can't be bothered to go out there are friends living (literally) all around you. Sure, the food is (literally) crap but at least it's a conversation starter (or stopper, if it's that mushroom paste me and Nikki once had, glueing our mouths shut). Here it's different - it's fun to go out, when you can. But most people here haven't gone off to uni and because of this have ready-set schedules and itineries that result in you being stuck with nowhere to go. Today it has hit me just how boring daytime may get around here. Since rising just before ten I have - had an apple, watched a film (Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back), had an oversized lunch and watch Dr Phil, Jeremy Kyle and some American show I've already forgotten. So I though I'd make a list of things to fill my days with down here, and their 'pros and cons'. Thoughts welcome.
Exercise - You know, a bit of a cycle, brisk walking, occasional stuntwork. Advantages: Healthy, invigorating, will leave me trim, fit and looking not unlike a hairy version of Arnold Schwarzenegger, if he were taller, less German and less likely to fondle female appendages. Disadvantages: It's exercise.
Write a novel - Maybe a thriller, or a light-hearted love story about a sheep called George. Advantages: Creative, encouraging a healthy mind. Will be compared to the greats, like Hemingway or Woolf, but better. Disadvantages: I'm impatient. They say that you should write about what you know, but with me I could barely fill a pamphlet.
Support the South-Eastern Division of the Squirrel Revolution - run training days, write motivational speeches about the increasing amounts of nuts as spring comes. Advantages: Inspirational, could ultimately lead to my ruling the world. Disadvantages: Taking this seriously could say very worying things about the state of my prune-like mind.
Watch the kids in the street playing from my window - They're young, sweet and remind me of myself when I was, you know, a kid. Advantages: Can reminicise about sweeter times, or look forward to the day when I have my own kids. Disadvantages: Cement reputation I'd rather shake off...
I don't know. Maybe I'll just hit myself over the head with a hammer and have a bit of a coma for the next month. Nah, I'll just go back to bed, your head aches less when you wake that way...
Woodland Bear. |
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